Random Curiosities: reationships

Showing posts with label reationships. Show all posts

Sometimes it can be too much

It's been a while since I have really written a post here. There are reasons for that, though. I had some drama I had to dismiss recently and it was harder than I expected. I ended up losing a friend over it all, not that I really care though. You see a so called friend of mine had an affair...that I can deal with, because you know...shit happens. What I could not deal with was her total inability to take responsibility for what she did. She just kept making excuses rather than saying, yup I did it, here is why, and it was wrong.

Let me begin here. I have a good friend who's great husband allows her to have a boyfriend on the side. Now, I don't know all the details in that relationship, and to be honest they don't really matter all that much. What matters is is the fact that she is honest about her lifestyle. In the other situation, that friend is not honest. She sneaks around, uses us as her excuse. That is the part I take issue with. I don't like that she repeatedly says it was an accident. Umm...so will it be an accident tomorrow? Most people learn from their mistakes, not her.

The part that really grates at me? She had the audacity to call me her best friend. All she does is lie and cheat and she calls me her best friend. I haven't heard an honest thing come out of her mouth in years. Excuse me if I don't think we are actually friends. So I basically told her I was choosing sides in a giant mess she created and that we were no longer friends to any remote extent. Do I feel bad? Not really. I mean, she lies and cheats and is not a good person, so in all I feel I have lost nothing.

In other news...

I was diagnosed with PCOS, clearly it is a rising issue in women. My concern is that I am all about having more kids...you know, like I want 6 or so...

Well, that is on hold for now because I am no longer fucking ovulating. Stupid ovaries. I was really upset about a week ago because of this. Actually, a few weeks ago I broke down and cried because my sister sent me her wedding photos and she's knocked up with damn twins and I can't even get one. AGGGHHH. Can you just hear me screaming into my pillow? Yes, I know I have kids...I want more. I feel like it is the only thing I do right sometimes. I never had issues getting pregnant before and now it is driving me nuts. What makes it worse is that my very best friend has PCOS and she has no kids at all. Plus, her 17 year old cousin just got pregnant. Said friend is almost 27. She is a wreck over it all. I can't even begin to imagine her pain. If I feel this bad because I can't have more, I can't begin to know how bad it feels to not be able to have one. To add insult t injury for her people keep giving helpful alternatives to her...I think she may kill someone. I want to slap a few people for her. It's been a long few weeks.

On the upside I will be moving to San Diego in the middle of May!!! Yay!!!

Hairloss and my sex life?

So if you happen to have read on my other blog you will know by now I was diagnosed with Alopecia (a condition that causes random to total, in my case total, hairloss). The catalyst for the Alopecia is unknown, which is really sickening to me. But what is my most recent concern? My sex life.

Why? Well I know J says he will still love me, and I don't doubt that, but I also know that he likes long hair. It kills me to think that when he comes home I may have, no...most likely will have no hair left on my head. I know he loves me, but what will he think of me? Will he be in shock, will he not mind at all, truly not mind? Will it be unattractive to him? I really believe these are valid concerns of a married woman.

*Sigh*

If you want to see what all is happening and how it all goes you can follow here.

I am dying for a new outfit. I want the whole damn thing. From head to toe. I want a sexy, make people gasp and stare kind of outfit. I am pretty much desperate for this. I want to get everything!!!
*Thigh high boots
*A super shockingly short skirt
*An amazing corset
*A collar
*New earrings

I want to get all dressed up and have somewhere to go. I have no idea where I would go, but it would be so much fun. I couldn't do it here, where we live now, although shocking small town America would be the best gift ever! I want to go out with J, all dressed up on his arm, back home in Cali. I want to have a whole day and night with just the two of us. Nothing to distract us, nothing to disturb us.

Why do I want this so badly? It would be a ton of fun for J and I to just be us together. Not having to be Mommy or Daddy for one day, and just being together. We could be alone. Just us. J would be my only focus and worry for the whole day and the whole night. We could even get a hotel room and leave the kids behind for one night. J could do whatever he wanted with me, no questions asked, no kids interrupting, and no phones ringing. One night of pure bliss, and I would look amazing. He would have to have me, the moment he saw me, he would need me.

We could go out to eat, or just walk around, I don't care! I just want to get all prettied up, impress him, make him want me, make him need me. I want to feel like nothing in the universe matters but us for one whole night. I would get some wine and we could go back to our room and have our fun and make the other guests jealous.

What I love about being with J is that he is dense. I mean that, really and truly. He has no idea when a girl is flirting or just staring. He is oblivious to all those things. I like having other girls look and want him. It reminds me that I am lucky enough to have him. I love it when they flirt and he misses it completely, yes love...you are that blind and I love that. I want to go with him and be reminded of all those things. Know that he is with me because he wants me and he loves me. I may have to get to planning this little overnight trip :p

Glamorous Me

So here I am, all of 4'11" tall. I am small, I am irritating (I have been assured of this by J), insecure, have HUGE thighs, and I am slightly more than a whole lot of mean. I was raised with an older sister who stands 5'8" tall, wears a size 1 and wears a 32 D bra. What the fuck!?!? I was robbed at birth, I swear it. All my friends are taller, leggier, and a little thinner than me. My insecurities run very deep, and because of that not a whole lot in my mundane life makes me feel "glamorous." Why do I bring this up?

Secret Agent Mama is running a contest on her blog to win a $100 gift card to Eden Fantasys. Check the post out here. She is talking about glass toys and how glamorous they are. And I do have to admit, glass is so beautiful, it's hard to resist their pull to be used. She has some very sensual photos of a few glass toys up on her blog. Go vote for your favorite photo here. GO! Enter! NOW!

So, what does make me feel glamorous? Well that all depends on my mood. I am a Southern California bred and raised girl, so I love to look and feel like the place I came from. Which looks very out of place here in the farm hills of Tennessee. I generally wear a tee shirt and jeans with my favorite pair of Etnies. I can dress up that same outfit with a sexy pair of heels though, and I feel very at home, and a little glam even. I like to feel pretty with my hair done and jeans on in a casual look. I also like to feel like a princess.

J is good at that. He knows what will make me feel special, and I love him more for it. I like to get dressed up, hair done, make up on, and a nice pair of heels to go out with him. I feel more glamorous when I am with him than any other time. I like to look good and hear him say it. I like being on his arm, or having his arms wrapped around me. I especially like coming home from that night out to finish the night in. That look, you know the one. The look that your love gives you right before the clothes are torn off and tossed to the side because they can no longer bear to look at you wondering what you look like under them (in which case matching your bra and panties is a huge help). I feel not only glamorous, but just down right amazing when I see that hunger burning in his eyes. The lust. Even after the lustful events, when I still have my make up on, my hair is a mess, and I am in my sweats and a tank top, I still feel glamorous. I like to curl up in his lap and know he will never let me go.

So what makes me feel glamorous? J and the way we know and love one another. It's not the clothing, but rather the fact that I can still impress him so much that he still, after 7 years together, lusts for me.

What makes you feel glamorous?

I got it!

Well, J decided to be nice and loving enough (like it was in anyway really for me) to allow me to work more with the damn monster on my time. Conditions? Well here:
1. 3 times a week
2. NO ORGASMS

Like I really needed to be reminded of number two...I am not allowed to orgasm at all without prior permission anyway...duh boy.

I love him, I really do. I am so entertained by all this.

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Second tidbit...well not too much, especially in my little world. I am so tired all the time, I have no idea how I am going to make up for all the time lost with J in the physical contact area. In my mind it might look something like this:

After we come home from getting him we drop the kids off at his mother's house. Driving home is unbearable, silent, and you could cut the tension with a knife. I can hear his breathing, feel his hand tighten around my own, the smell of his cologne mixed with his own body. My hand tightens slightly on his; he looks at me with that smile that tells me I am in way over my head. I don't care. "What are you thinking?" The question surprises me, "wondering what you have planned at home." A sly smile crosses his lips, "I never said we were going home."

As we pull off the highway I am wondering what he could possibly have planned for us. He's happy I think to myself. I smile sweetly as we pull into our favorite restaurant. It's off to a appetizers, soup and drinks for us. That should lead so some for the both of us. After a nice evening (yes I skipped all of dinner because that is my time), we head back home for the night. We never even make it through the front door.

The jacket falls first, then comes the shirt...mine and his...

I will leave you with that.

They must have screwed up the measurements he gave them...yup that's it, they messed up. He's gonna be mad as all hell. It's huge, way too big for me. Ugh, he'll make me try it anyway...I know him, he will. How can I get out of this? I don't want to use this monstrosity they made.

It is pretty though, clear glass, custom made with a not so slight curve. Smooth, brand new, and he did order it just for me, just to make me happy. Gosh, I guess I had better tell him I got it. The least they could have done is included a protective casing for it. What if it falls and breaks?

"You must be kidding? You haven't even seen it yet; it's way bigger than I thought it would be." J just sighed "you're being dramatic, let me see it for size. I know what I ordered and it wasn't that big." "Fine, but I am warning you, this could hurt me because of the size" I responded, hoping, halfheartedly, that he would side with me, I knew he wouldn't; I never win arguments, and whining like a seven year old wasn't helping my case. I opened the peanut packed box the glass toy arrived it, still mildly irritated that they charge one hundred dollars a piece for these things and didn't even include protective casing or anything, not you typical "toy" store if you ask me. At any rate I pulled out a piece of smooth clear glass formed and shaped with the curve custom added, the new plug sure is a sight, it's beautiful and pristine and well, glass!

I held it up in my hand, the damn thing is as big as my hand with the curve. J just laughed, "well it is a lot bigger than I anticipated, but guess what...you're using it anyway," I could hear the amusement in his voice, he could sense my apprehension. I could just see that smile, the one that says fight me, fine, but you will lose...you always do. "It's huge and it will hurt, no way!" Yeah, right like that ever had a chance of convincing him, please. And there it was, that moment of sincerity that would make me lose my mind. "Baby, come on, you have to try it at least once. I got this for you and I want you to use it. Just try it, if you hate it we will reassess. You know I love you." Well shit, that failed...I lost, right there. He can be so fucking loving and sweet, and I just stop in my tracks. I am caught off guard, even after seven years, he still takes my breath away, and I am rendered helpless. I need him and I have to make him happy. So there it was, I would try the toy, and I'd be damned if I didn't enjoy it for him.

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My new glass plug came the other day and I really deliberated on telling J it came. It was massive, well by my standards of course. I just couldn't believe it. But as big as it was I was enamored, it is gorgeous, amazingly perfect. Clear glass, so basic, yet so pretty.

I wish my camera was working so I could get a clear shot of it and post it, but I can't. We [he] custom ordered this piece, I love glass and he laid the specs out and had one made. I do love it, just wish, at the least, the widest part was a bit more narrow.

Of course J convinced me that I would need to use it, and I did. Holy cow! I am still in some pain, by only my own fault for being so damned determined. J never said I had to be able to get it all the way in the first time, but I had to do it for me, to prove that I would do anything for him. Well, it never made it all the way. Too painful. Oops :)

I am still fueled with that determination, I will continue to work until I can do it. I decided this morning that I would ask J if I could play with it without him around so that I could work and see if I can get used to it, that way I can show him when I do succeed. I am sure I would just love this beauty if it wasn't so damn big. We did decide that I could get a smaller (non glass) one. Not too big on the non glass part, but he won't pay the thirty some odd dollars for something I have already. He just said that I could get a smaller one; at least I am getting that much!

Please note:
I will write a full review once I am not so angry with the toy...so I can be fair.

Oh me, Oh my...

Where do I even begin today? I have had a ton to think about the past few days and I have to say I am overwhelmed. I am consumed and obsessed with J. I love him so much I can barely handle it sometimes. He says he wants to mark me as his, so we have (the piercings), but I want something more, something more permanent. I want people to know I am taken, not just for now, but for life, forever.

I was only 19 when I first saw him. I was floored, not the way a girl is taken back when she sees an amazing guy, but speechless and in love. I thought for a while I was nuts, but I'm not. I remember saying so quietly, under my breath, I have to have him, I need him. After talking to him for a while, apparently rather late because everyone else had gone home I decided I was his. Of course he didn't believe me when I said I had never done anything like this before (as we walked back to my room for the night). I meant it though, I was little miss perfect, never wavering, I did what I was supposed to. I had my slip-ups here and there, I did drink, I partied and I had just come out of a 2 year hell hole relationship to which I was hopelessly bound.

So how did I figure out that I loved him? Easy peasy, I knew...the moment I got close to him I forgot all about my little relationship issues. When I am with J all my problems disappear. I have no worries, no fears, nothing. I am happy. I find all of that incredibly ironic. Why is that? Well simple really, we fight. A lot. Always. At each others' throats. Seriously. You can't even imagine it all. But if I couldn't stay with him I would be hopelessly lost. Even now, I can't function properly, and my mind wanders to him at least once ever three minutes, remembering, missing, and hoping he will come home fast. I need him.

Don't get me wrong, I can take care of myself, I am not pathetic, just madly in love, more so than I ever thought possible. I was sure when I saw him that first time I was crazy, but I still feel that way, the way I did that night 7 years ago.

EEEEP! And a few other points...

EEEEP! I was so excited to log onto EF to see that I get to review toys! YAY! Actually, I love reviewing toys, I just wanted to do it for EF because we shop there a ton. I have been reevaluating all my toys to see which ones I like and which ones I don't care so much for. Well, I love most of my toys, but that damn Rock Chick. I already had issues with it, although, J seems to think I will master the stupid thing and learn to love it, but for the price he paid for it, I can't say I blame him. So anyway, I was cleaning up and I moved it and it fell on my little toe! What the fuck? I already have issues with it then it freaking attacks me? Seriously, it's not like it is a heavy toy, just a toy with a protruding bullet that bites. Damn it! My toe still hurts.
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Safe words:
I have seen this come up a lot lately. Does everyone have one? Does everyone need one? Aren't they a giant safety net?

Well, this all depends on who you are. J and I don't have a safe word, but then again I don't need one because he is out of the country and all our play is internet and phone based. If he were home that might be different. We have never had a safe word, but we do have an understanding that if I say enough he asks me if I want to stop...I can say yes or no. If I say no he will continue but ask again...if I say no again he continues and asks one more time...if I say no we can keep going. Three chances to stop him. Why don't I have a safe word? Well, I am not sure I will remember a random word if I need J to stop right then. For me it is better to know that I can scream "enough" and he will stop and assess the situation.

I do think a safe word is a good idea. But not everyone can use one. You should come up with some sign that play needs to end right now. This is essentially the same thing as a safe word, just without a word to forget.

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My toy storage:

Where and how do I store my toys?

Easy! In a makeup bag. Just as good as toy cases, but half the cost. I use the makeup bag because it it so discreet. No one would imagine there are sex toys in a cutesy makeup bag, well, I might and maybe now you might too. I keep certain toys in certain pouches, and my vibes all go in cute little pencil cases. I love my storage techniques.

Since I have two small kids they know better than to play in mommy's makeup, which means they don't go into the cases...because they are makeup cases you know.

Apparently I am a bitch

Ok, so I have had bad, random mood swings lately. I am talking epic mood swings. If J were here he probably would have locked me outside by now for acting like a bitch (act like one live like one right?) I am so frustrated right now, unbelievable. This all started a long time ago, I was like 12. It's all hormonal, which means I should be able to fix it right? WRONG!!! I have a severe deficiency of estrogen. Unreal...worse still...I am allergic to the estrogen itself. What the hell? Who the fuck is allergic to a hormone they produce (well, are supposed to produce anyway) on a daily basis? Are you kidding me!?!? Well, that news floored me, but explained sooooooo much.

The really bad part of all this? J catches all the shit for it. I feel awful after I scream at him for an hour. Of course he yells back and calls me names, but I really do deserve it. I lash out and I get mad and I cry blah blah blah. Regardless of our dynamic, we are married, and we do have real married people issues, and 90% of those are my fault. I am well aware of that. I love him, and I know he loves me too. If he didn't I wouldn't have everything I wanted. Yes, he dominates me, but I will be damned if he doesn't treat me well. And if anyone, and I mean anyone tried to emulate his behavior to me (which is consensual) he would flip. He would be angry not only because I am his and his alone, but because I didn't agree to it and expects everyone to have respect toward me. I am so thankful to have him in my life.

So in short...To J:
I am so sorry for being such a raging bitch lately. I promise you I will get this taken care of somehow. And I love you more than you can imagine.

Limits?

Limits? What are those? I swear I used to have a list of my hard limits, but sometimes I wonder why I made the damn list anyway. I have hard limits, those will never move. Unfortunately J seems to think that my limits are negotiable...well, the ones he knows he can change my mind on (even if they are hard limits). He would never try to change my mind on a limit he thought could possibly upset me, but there is one thing I refuse to do...one thing I cannot stand the idea of...one small favor he desires...what is that?

Sex while I am on on my period...bloody, angry, tired, bloated and everything else that goes with it. Now, I know plenty of girls enjoy sex on their periods; I am not one of them. I get violently sick from cramping, headaches, backaches, and I want nothing to do with any form of sexual contact whatsoever. He asked to watch me play with myself...well, less of an ask and more of a this is how it will happen...we had words, I lost and well I did it. The worst part? I was going to make damn sure he didn't see me get off...well with the embarrassment and all I had my orgasm. Well, crap that didn't go over well...at least he is happy with the whole ordeal.

Sad news at home

Well, last night was sad for the small people. The beloved "Fishy Fish" died of what I am guessing would have been swelling of the brain if he were human. The youngest dropped the tank and the fish fell to the floor, by the time I got him into new water he was still alive, but he died about 10 minutes later. The kids are sad, and I am sure we will have to bury him, as it is only right.

On the flip side...my Liberator Combo (Black Label) set came yesterday afternoon. The only thing that really sucks is that since J is gone I have no one to tie me down and fuck me (did I say that out loud?). I wish he were here so we could try this sucker out. I can just imagine the creativity he would have with it...ooohhh. No sight, arms and legs restrained, who knows what he'd do or for how long. Geeze, I miss him so much. He'd better have something good planned for the next time we get some alone time together.

No Icky Nipples, Just Ouchy Nipples

The other day J told me he wanted me to get my nipples pierced. I am no stranger to piercing, and I actually like it. I danced around saying yes for a while, nipples were never something I wanted pierced so I was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. I really didn't want to do it, actually he only wanted one and he wanted to the other himself, but that was a big ol' no. I agreed, I believe this was Friday or Saturday...he wanted me to go Saturday, but a piercing parlor is so busy on weekends that I felt it would be better to wait until Sunday.

Sunday rolled in and I was nervous, well more like terrified (like always). I dropped the small people off and headed on my merry way into town. I walked right into an empty shop where they were all bullshitting and having a great day. I got all set up and was ready to pierce. I was so nervous that I was sure I was going to vomit. I got all marked up and ready to go. Then came the clamps, she was worried it would hurt me, yeah, if she only knew. I felt nothing in the first piercing, the second was a bit more uncomfortable, but nothing more than a big pinch really. After all that I was on my way.

They only hurt the first day, but come to find out the reason they hurt so damn bad was because I was starting my period and my breasts always hurt before that. So all the pain and discomfort really had nothing to do with the piercings, timing was just very bad for me. I love the piercings, but won't be posting photos here. I believe J might put some up tomorrow on his blog.

Popping the Cherry

...Of this blog anyway. I am not new to blogging, but I needed a place that I could write and not worry about who would see it, and whether or not they would judge me.

J and I are an amazing couple, in love and happy. He enjoys things about me that I never even thought of sharing with him. My story with J is kind of a long one (although we've only been together 7 years). I met him at a party at my apartment, my roommate had been talking about him for about two weeks nonstop before I met him. A friend of mine and her then boyfriend brought him over one night. I knew when I saw him that I had to have him, what I didn't know was that it would not be me who would do the having.

I want to make it very clear that I do the things I do for him because I want to. I love making him happy, and when he is happy I am too. I sincerely hope that being apart will bring us closer. I feel right now like it has.

Now, as for my picture. The Travel Buddy 5" Vibe by California Exotics. Its cute, and has several functions on it, plus a handy little suction cup on the end. My only complaint is that the thing is corded and that the cord is short. It has some good power to it, and can be fun to use. It was priced pretty well (which is why we chose it).

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