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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Oh me, Oh my...

Where do I even begin today? I have had a ton to think about the past few days and I have to say I am overwhelmed. I am consumed and obsessed with J. I love him so much I can barely handle it sometimes. He says he wants to mark me as his, so we have (the piercings), but I want something more, something more permanent. I want people to know I am taken, not just for now, but for life, forever.

I was only 19 when I first saw him. I was floored, not the way a girl is taken back when she sees an amazing guy, but speechless and in love. I thought for a while I was nuts, but I'm not. I remember saying so quietly, under my breath, I have to have him, I need him. After talking to him for a while, apparently rather late because everyone else had gone home I decided I was his. Of course he didn't believe me when I said I had never done anything like this before (as we walked back to my room for the night). I meant it though, I was little miss perfect, never wavering, I did what I was supposed to. I had my slip-ups here and there, I did drink, I partied and I had just come out of a 2 year hell hole relationship to which I was hopelessly bound.

So how did I figure out that I loved him? Easy peasy, I knew...the moment I got close to him I forgot all about my little relationship issues. When I am with J all my problems disappear. I have no worries, no fears, nothing. I am happy. I find all of that incredibly ironic. Why is that? Well simple really, we fight. A lot. Always. At each others' throats. Seriously. You can't even imagine it all. But if I couldn't stay with him I would be hopelessly lost. Even now, I can't function properly, and my mind wanders to him at least once ever three minutes, remembering, missing, and hoping he will come home fast. I need him.

Don't get me wrong, I can take care of myself, I am not pathetic, just madly in love, more so than I ever thought possible. I was sure when I saw him that first time I was crazy, but I still feel that way, the way I did that night 7 years ago.