Dear Mr Postman

Dear Mr Postman

Dear Mr. Postman,

Please for the love of Pete, when you drop a package at the door shake it off. When I got to the door and brought my cinch in there were like 100 mites on it. Please remember that the local wildlife that was flooded out of the creek has managed to make its way to my place (and I am just to fucking nice to kill them all). I had to go back outside, shake off said package, open it and dispose of the box, then bring the cinch in. I was not thrilled at the prospect of opening a box that could have easily housed sex toys in front of my older Southern Baptist neighbors who have a tendency to watch out their windows.

Thank you,

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I'm a wiener!!!

I'm a wiener!!!

Err, well winner anyway. So I was just notified by Insatiable Desire that I won third freakin' place in her Birthday Bash contest on her website!!! Fucking AWESOME!!! Especially since I had totally forgotten that I had even entered the damn thing.

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Blood Play

Blood Play

Ok, maybe not because that is SO GROSS. But...I did get my period today, which means I am bleeding like a stuck pig and have gawd awful cramps to go with it.

So, I was just standing there minding my own business when it happened. GUSH. Seriously. I wanted to die. Right through a tampon, a menstrual cup, and a pad. No shit. Really. I had only taken precautions earlier (two hours earlier) just in case by body failed me like it has so many times before. Yup. It happened again. Nice.

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Some people are amazing

Some people are amazing

Ok, so J had leave from Iraq recently and we picked up and headed north to Boston, New York City, and Philly. The whole trip was just...amazing, I will for sure do a full post about the trip and all the interesting things we did. Anyway I am posting this because I found it to be so funny. While we were in Boston we actually stayed in Cambridge, MA. So here you go!

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OMG, just OMG. I am truly amazed at people in general already, but sometimes, just sometimes there are people who make you say WTF?

Where is this coming from? Well let me begin with my new idea. Ok, so J had leave recently and came home for a few weeks which was just amazing and wonderful and miss him more than you can imagine...sorry, I am easily distracted (oh, and I am still fucking sore). Where was I, oh yeah, ok so J commented that he wanted to make me squirt (I seriously need a code name for that because it's gross). Now, let's keep in mind that I have never even had a G-spot orgasm in my entire life. Hell I didn't know where my G-spot was until I met J. Really. So I decided that this could be a cool adventure for us to do together. I could get that much talked about book Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot and a good curved dildo. I just thought, well ok this can work.

Well, let's keep in mind I am not particularly interested in getting good at the whole messy juice making thing, I am just very curious as to what it is everyone else finds so fascinating. Part of me wonders if it is just some type of fad brought on by the entertainment, or if women have known about this all along and kept it a very cruel secret. Because, let me tell you that if I find out it is amazing I will be tell random people I meet in the grocery store...ok, well I am in TN, so maybe not like that, but you get the idea of what I mean here.

So where is this all coming from? Well I thought the timing was just impeccable in regards to a blog post I read just a few short minutes ago. I was playing online and re-reading New Moon for the 786th time when a tweet popped up on my TwitterFox application from Toy With Me. Now, for those of you who haven't read her blog, well I am not sure what you're still doing here because really she is great! Really, she is so funny. My favorite story of her's is how her hair caught fire (READ IT). Besides that one there are a ton of others. Today she says squirting is gross and she doesn't get it and how women have way too much to love up to. What's funny is, while I want to learn to do it, I totally see where she is coming from on this blog post.

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Special Feature HNT

Special Feature HNT

The Loch Ness Monster
Official Appearance

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My wall wanted me!!!

My wall wanted me!!!

So, my wall must want me or something. Seriously. I have had quite the interesting night. It began with coffee and a lot of it. Yummy. Really. Yummy. So I had my Starbucks coffee (we have no where else worth a crap here in town) and I was all wound up from it. So, I cleaned. Not me. Way out of character for Alley, but I was wired. I got my camera that committed suicide two weeks ago and put some batteries in and a new card in, it worked! Well, ok. I put it down. I tossed a book on to the bed and it landed on my Intimate Forplay Kit attachment and split it right down the seam. A book. On a padded bed. On top of the down comforter. That will be an update to my review for sure!

I tossed my bottle of JO Warming Lube on to the bed. It landed upside down between the wall and the foam padding. Apparently the fucking bottle was open (why I have no idea, but I can guess it had something to do with a four-year-old little girl who likes being slick and shiny). The whole fucking bottle poured onto the wall and my wall was all lubed up and ready to get it on. I wasn't all into it and I told the wall it would have to wait and talk to J and get permission first though.

Then the camera disappeared (no doubt at the hand of a four-year-old photographer). Well shit! How am I supposed to document my massacre of my new toy and the seduction attempt of my glistening wall? I looked, no luck, no camera. I came back, and the wall was still staring at me. I yelled at my wall because now I have to buy a new bottle of lube (and System JO isn't exactly $3.99 a bottle), and I can't get it at fucking Walmart because KY is just not my style.

Nice try wall...but I will not have sex with you, no matter how shiny and pretty you are.

**OH! And now I get to use the rest of my JO lube that I no longer lust for because it has annoying and irritating glycerin that made me hurt...mean lube**

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Only in my world

Only in my world

So as many know, I am Roman Catholic. I am not one of those run of the mill new Catholics that adhere by new rules and changing doctrine, I am old school Catholic. I go to mass several times weekly (four to be exact) and my kids are in parochial school.

So I volunteer a lot. We had a fundraiser consignment sale that we have annually. I am so used to our ways that I often forget that I am in the south and we are looked down on here. That's a whole different post because I cannot stand religious and non-religious righteousness. I am very annoyed by anyone who puts another person down based on religious choices. If you want me to think you are a giant waste of space and precious air on this earth, knock someone else's religious choices (including those who choose not to have any religion...we are all people and we all deserve to choose whether or not we believe in religion or anything else.

Anyway...I digress. So the other night we were all doing our whole organizing and all that crap. And in come a few of the moms (we are all moms that work this thing) carrying beers, margaritas, and something else. I just laughed. Only in a Catholic church.

One woman needed a bottle opener. Yeah. Ok. Like you will find one of those lying around a church. She ran to the main narthex (hall) and found some guys there. She came back with a few bottle openers. Only in a Catholic church. They cracked open their drinks and continued on with their work. I just shook my head and smiled.

The whole thing was very reminiscent of my childhood and growing up in the church. I was just so amused by the whole event. And it would only happen in a Catholic church.

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And then the dog peed...

And then the dog peed...

So really I figured after Monday's disaster of a day I should be free and clear...no.

I was in the shower and the kids were watching TV...well they were supposed to be. I was in for a whole ten minutes max, and as I walked out I realized how amazing my house smelled. Like garlic and spices...yummy. It shouldn't have smelled like that though.

In the kitchen my little one was playing Bobby Flay and grilling it up! She had plugged in the portable griddle and poured olive oil over it, put some fresh garlic (she even pressed the shit!) on it with some basil and tomatoes. Well hell. After scolding her angrily I realized my floor was like a fucking slip and slide from oil and I had to clean that all up.

I let the dog in (my angel dog who can do no wrong in my eyes). And then...the dog peed. Geeze.

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Is that inside you!?!

Is that inside you!?!

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Never EVER Tell Your Girl She Can't Cook

Never EVER Tell Your Girl She Can't Cook

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